They say you reap what you sow. I’m tired of reaping boredom and frustration, so I guess it’s time to start sowing different seeds.

If I sow rest, what will I reap? If I sow gratitude, when will I reap? If I sow seeds of eye contact and amusement, what will I reap?

Could it be, that I would reap energy and vigor and contentment and peace and laughter and connection?

And if I lived an invigorating life full of thankfulness and belonging, would I be… happy?

If we sowed generosity instead of withholding, and grace instead of blame, who would we become? Would we be gracious and generous? Would we be able to lead by example?

What if we chose curiosity and understanding? Would we live in harmony? What if we chose adventure? Would we live in boldness?

What if we smiled? What if we cried? What if we felt the chill in our teeth or the wind on our cheeks or let our nose hairs freeze?

What if we gave a voice to the tiniest monsters eating us alive? What would we reap? Would we live? Would we survive? Would we be known, and belong? Would we then be free?

And if then, what would we be? Who would we be? What could we become?

Would our eyes light up? Would they sparkle? Would we glow? Would our children find their youth? Could we rest in the sound of their laughter?

Would we bask in the midnight sun? Or would we just wither away in solitude, lighted only by a faint blue glow?

It’s been 13 years since the adventure of my life began.

It’s been six years since our adventures converged.

I’m sickened by how fast the time goes.

Terrified.

Devastated.

And disappointed.

I’m sick of it.

We’re too electric to be this numb.

My dad asked me today, “How does it feel to be 32?”

“Bad,” I said. He laughed. Taylor Swift hasn’t written a hit about turning 32 yet.

But when I was 32, I got to watch my child learn to ride a big kid bike.

When I was 32, I got to make my toddler laugh until her stomach hurt.

When I was 32, I got to plan and anticipate all of the adventures that this year will hold. I got to dream of all of the places I want to visit, who I get to see, and what I can learn.

And it feels different. Maybe, because I’m sowing different seeds. Seeds of wonder, of possibility, of adventure, of hope, of discovery and joy and fullness and exploration.

And those are all things, I can’t wait to reap.